Our review of the twelfth Star Trek film and the second in a row from director J.J. Abrams and Transformers trilogy writers Alex Kurtzman and Roberto Orci. This time out, the Power Trio are joined in their unholy efforts by Prometheus ruiner and Lost co-creator Damon Lindelof. Scared yet? I know I was. And all my worst fears were confirmed.
Dude, you don’t get it ! Duh Trek ain’t for nerds ! Duh Trek is for us cool kids !
“The interesting thing, to me, was I stopped listening to you when you said you didn’t like Star Trek.”
I shudder to think what would have happened if this dumb ass was at the helm the of the Batman or Bond films. I admit to having numerous complaints about Nolan’s Batman films but at least I can say there were trying to accomplish something. Abrams Trek is just…I don’t know how to sum it up. It has nothing going on for it.
Hence the reliance on hot young people and meaningless action sequences. Because we’re totally starved for those in the modern blockbuster landscape.
I am sure he would have fought for Henry Cavill as Bond and Casino Royale would have been a latter day Brosnan Bond.
I can’t say I hated this film. It’s bland, yes, but that’s it’s only crime. It’s not bland to the point of being flavorless like Mr. & Mrs. Smith and it doesn’t head down to the level of bottom of the barrel garbage like the 2007 TMNT film, X-Men Origins: Wolverine or the Bayformers movies. Yeah, it’s basically a pick-and-mix bag of references from the rest of the Star Trek franchise and action movie cliches. But a film has gotta do a lot more than that to offend my sense. This movie leaves the same impact as Amazing Spider-Man left on me last summer. No it’s not good, but I won’t hate it for its mere existence. It’s just bland enough that I can let it pass and focus on more interesting films.
That’s a fair reading, that final sentence of yours, and one I’d pretty much agree with, even if you read hatred into my little presentation of its flaws. Can we at least agree the damned thing’s a $190 million mistake with a story that a late-90s TV show, which was lucky to get $2 million an episode, did much better? How it stacks up against other mediocre-to-crap offerings is a whole other discussion, and one that’d probably end with us agreeing with each other. (For example: I, too, am having a wonderful time completely forgetting Amazing Spider-Man.) Compared to the eleven other films and five other TV series that share part of its title, this one’s a shameless cash-in remake posing as a sequel. A wolf in Federation clothing. I can’t even hold out hope that it’ll result in a new TV show, because CBS and Viacom made the incredibly stupid decision to split in 2006. Until that’s resolved, all we’ll have are these films, and if they’re going to be this, I’d rather stay home and watch Star Trek 2 again.
David: I agree with you that The DS9 two parter Homefront/Paradise Lost did the “Paranoid, War Monger Admiral” plot waaaay better, as did TNG’s “The Wounded” (where said paranoid war monger is shown in a more sympathetic light). And I’m sorry I read your normal brand of harsh criticism for hatred. My bad entirely.
Ricardo: I understand that. I’ve just never been one to be offended by blandness. I’m more dismissive of blandness than anything else.
It’s no one’s “bad,” I’m just developing an issue with casual use of the word “hate.” Mostly because I love “hate.” My hatreds are pure and give me strength, same as my various loves. But that’s me going off about the State of Rhetoric on the Internet again.
For actual hate, see the upcoming review of Superman IV.
I often find blandness to be as offensive as stupidity.
I’ve now seen the movie twice. Silly me. I had a friend who hadn’t seen it yet and I wasn’t doing anything today so …
We had a great time complaining about it afterward. In the process of working out what of the plot (and the science and the culture and …) that didn’t make sense I found myself wondering –
Why did Khan use his magic transporter to go to Kronos when he could have just beamed himself to the Death Star … I mean the Vengeance? He designed it. He could run it single-handedly. It’s the only warship in the Federation. What kind of savage superman is he?
I am going to be perfectly honest and I will admit I never saw this movie. Out of morbid curosity, I watched this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bMLs-ceP5o
Where do I begin ? I mean…wow. You just take the same fucking scene from Wrath of Khan and make no attempt at variation other than making Kirk ask a stupid question. “How do you choose not to feel ?”. He’s a Vulcan you FUCKING IDIOT ! That’s not a choice. He’s also human. He’s conflicted. This just goes to prove once again that JJ Abhrams doesn’t give a flying fuck about Star Trek.
It’s like you’ve transcribed my thoughts, Ricardo, almost word for word. Get out of my head. Or at least watch out for the Utahraptors. They like to play with their food and it ain’t a pretty sight.
So I broke down and watched it. My reaction ?
Yes. Exactly.
I swear, like that first 35 minutes plays like a buddy cop sequel; Main characters do something stupid and yet save the day, get demoted/suspended, main plot kicks off, they get their jobs back.
Your comment prompted me to remind myself that both screenwriters were responsible for the Hawaii Five-0 remake series – both as writers and executive producers. Meaning both would be intimately familiar with the Standard Cop Drama formula. From their perspective, applying that to Star Trek must’ve seemed like a no-brainer.
Thanks for the info. Kirk and Spock being lectured in Pike’s office was also straight out of the “rogue cop” cliché gallery.
I must admit, I’ll give the film a tiny bit of credit for having Uhura speak Kilingon which she should have done in Star Trek VI but Nicholas Meyer just had to have his “comedy”.
Yeah…I suppose that’s something…but by that point, I’d already groaned my way through yet another interminable Spock/Uhura relationship conversation…and the equally-interminable shuttle chase…and the even-more-interminable first half of the movie. So, by then, I was already done…with another half a film to go.
I recall when all these people were promoted to their respected ranks at the end of the last film because we’re suppose to believe they’re gifted super geniuses but they aren’t above constant petty arguments, even in the middle of a dangerous mission.
So some big news on Trek 3. Yes, Orci is directing but he isn’t writing and he has declared that this new film will be closer the TV show. Could it be that the enterprise will be finally facing a enemy that can’t be punched ? I admit this has me curious. I really want to see where this all leads to.
http://www.cinemablend.com/new/Star-Trek-3-Return-Franchise-Roots-Head-Deep-Space-43641.html
We’ll all see it, eventually, whether we want to or not. But the sad fact remains: that man is a troll and a fiend, so I take everything he says with one of those bricks of salt we used to throw into the horse pen when I was a kid.
Another curious thing, neither screenwriter has a credit to his name. Yes, we will see.
I think I’m getting the Fear.
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