The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
First, a refresher. Twilight taught us all young men are monsters whose rampant sexual urges will, without exception, KILL YOU. Their desire to do so is what’s known as “love.” Keep them at arm’s length and you’ll gain a loyal attack dog sure to lay waste your enemies and cause their women to lament. Sure, […]
The Twilight Saga: New Moon (2009)
Twilight continues to utterly blindside me. Back in 2006, when New-Moon-the-book first slithered its way out of Stephanie Meyer’s head, I had more important things to care about. Like getting divorced, finding a new job, helping a friend weather her own, much-worse divorce through the ego-boosting medium of casual sex, and do it all while […]
What’s that you say? A blatantly-cliched, Designated Romance has achieved undeserved popularity through canny advertising and a near-religious fandom of desperate, everyday Americans who don’t know Romance from their own house cats? And you’re actually surprised by this? Am I the only one who’s wondered how large a structure one could build from all the […]
Memo From New Zealand: Twilight Kills!
Wednesday night, police discovered a twenty-three year “transient” slumped in his car, dead, outside a Wellington, New Zealand theater screening of Eclipse, the latest film installment in the unfortunately-popular Twilight series. To paraphrase my favorite Quaid, I’ve been saying it for years. (Ain’t I been sayin’ it, Miguel?) Twilight is undeniable blueprint for murder, more […]