I’ve never been able to take pirates seriously. I blame Peter Pan. Neverland-centric adventures were the only context in which I encountered pirates during my land-locked childhood. Seeing them perpetually made fools of by a pack of flying children (who may or may not have been vampires, led by one of the darkest Dark Princes since Dracula…and his house-fairy) did not endear pirates to me, and tales of so-called “adventure” on the Early Modern Era’s high seas always struck me as horror stories by another name.
If you’ve read them, you know what I’m talking about: there are parts of Moby Dick fit to make even the hardest hardcore Saw fan curl up into a ball of tears and barf (which is why Moby Dick‘s screen adaptions usually omit those parts). Really-real life accounts of long sea voyages during that First Great Age of Colonialism are all about misery, deprivation and discomfort. I swear, before the invention of mass media, people could not shut the fuck up about their toothaches. Or “the scurvy.” And if it wasn’t “the scurvy” it was “the pox.” If it wasn’t “the pox” it was “consumption.” And if it wasn’t “consumption…”
You get the idea. Hopefully, by now, you’ll also have some idea as to why most Pirate Movies are fanciful romps, set in highly-romanticized alternate universes where grown ass men can spend their whole lives at sea but still come ashore with perfect teeth. Men like Douglas Fairbanks, or Erol Flynn. Or Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. Or Burt Lancaster. By the time my mother was in grade school, pirate movies had at least grown the balls to cast unattractive dudes as sea dogs – like Robert Newton. Or Yul Brenner. But that didn’t last. The year I was born was also the year Pirates of Penzance came out, thrilling absolutely no one and proving not a goddamn thing had changed since the Silent Era. Continue reading Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)→
Join the Traumatic Cinematic Trio as we delve deeper into the final Days of the Dead 2013. IN this episode, Danny Trejo discusses Machete 3 – In Space, Keith David gives valuable life advice and talks about his new Fox show Enlisted, and producer Doug Sackmann discusses his upcoming film Crossbearer. All this and much, much more awaits you!
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The Traumatic Cinematic Trio continues their coverage of Days of the Dead 2012! In this episode, we sit down with Tyler Mane (X-Men, Halloween, Joe Dirt, Halloween 2, Troy, and the upcoming Compound Fracture) Following that is the deep sexy voice from The Nightmare Man (Dexter Experience, The Governor, and Freddy.) Then we are joined by That Metal Show Pittsburg Joe followed by Kyle Polling from Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast. And to finish it all off I recorded the first 12 minutes of DJ Tre’s Monster’s Ball set and it is possibly the only recording of it in existence!
Are you sick of American comic books and the movies they inspire? Do you despise armies of sanctimonious do-gooders in armored tights? Do you long to read comics about self-obsessed death-mongers and their never-ending battles with the undead? Well…you’re probably already reading The Walking Dead. But just in case you aren’t, you should be reading Italian comics, especially the work of journalist, novelist, and Dylan Dog creator Tiziano Sclavi. If you’d like to know more, watch Cemetery Man, the 1994 zombie dramedy, starring Rupert Everett (whom we last saw as a minor character in Stardust and whom you probably know as the voice of Prince Charming in Shrek 2). With production money from three countries and actors from two more (at least), this obscure, surrealist horror film survived delays, cost-overruns, baffled American distributors, and its own crappy ad campaign to become a home video cult classic. Join the Traumatic Cinematic crew as we perform another postmortem, dig our hands deep into this film’s putrid guts and see if we can determine cause of cult success.
If you find yourself in Indianapolis, Indiana, USA, between July 5 and July 7, the Traumatic Cinematic crew and I will be attending the Days of the Dead convention at the Wyndham Indianapolis West hotel. Come for the stars – including Haruo “original Godzilla” Nakajima, Keith David, Tony Todd, Linda Blair, both Buseys (Gary and Jake) Bill Moseley and the entire cast of the Blair Witch Project. Stay for the fans and their shenanigans, which are always inevitably more interesting anyway. My colleagues and I will be touring the floor, having the best damn time three sober dudes can have in a convention center full of other nerds….Well…okay…two sober dudes. I, for one, plan to make this a full-on experiment in Gonzo Journalism. So fear not: even if you can’t make it, you will reap an entertaining whirlwind once I write the experience up. Hell, I might even bring The Camera.