All posts by David DeMoss

Hollow Man (2000)

Filmmed in spooo-ooky vision.As a character, the Invisible Man never really had much going for him. I’m mean, sure, you’re invisible. Then what? I know we’ve all had a masturbatory fantasy or two about then what, but what about after that? Well, Christ on a crutch, if you ever get to that point, don’t you dare do as Kevin Bacon did.

H.G. Welles Invisible Man is another in a long line of classic SF novel Universal Pictures dumbed down during their horror heyday, back in the 1940s. Paul Verhoeven’s Hollow Man obviously started dumb, needing no help from its studio’s dumbing down department. It’s pretty obvious that, as with so many other pictures these days, Hollow Man is an excuse to show off some, admittedly damn cool, invisible man effects…and that’s about all. But the question remains: What the hell do you do with your invisible man?

Back up with me a bit. Sebastian Caine (Kevin Bacon) is a brilliant scientist. (Yes, we’re supposed to except Kevin Bacon as a brilliant scientist. May I continue?) When he’s not trying to catch a glimpse of his hot lady neighbor, Sebastian holds court in his secret, underground, government-funded lab. There, Sebastian’s toiling away at his secret underground government-funded invisibility project,  and as the movie opens, Sebastian finally crosses the last big hurtle: how to make an invisible subject visible again. With this, he shall rule the world and declare his reign the Empire of Invisible Man the–

Wait, wait. No. Getting ahead of ourselves again. With this, he and the rest of his team go out and celebrate. W find that Sebastian and team member Linda McKay (Elizabeth Shue) have a little history together. A history Sebastian dearly wishes to repeat. But the lovely Elizabeth has other ideas. Unbeknownst to Sebastian, she’s shagging with team member Matt (Josh Brolin). All of this soap opera will factor into the plot, eventually. Hell, you’ll even be able to figure out how. The movie will be kind enough to telegraph this (and many other plot developments) right into your brain. Oh the miraculous powers of Movie Science!

So the Intrepid Scientists make a breakthrough. Do they immediately rush to the military men in charge, trumpeting their success to the four winds, thus squeezing God-only-knows how much more money out of the Military-Industrial Complex? Of course not. Sebastian has other plans: he wants to be the world’s first invisible man. Which is great and all. Who wouldn’t? But shouldn’t there be, say…rigorous psychological screening processes involved in choosing Project Invisible’s first human text subject?

Ah, but if there were, there would be no story here. So Sebastian turns invisible. Everything’s fine, at first. Even a little fun for him, and for the audience (who are, after all, only here for this bit of the picture). But when the reversion procedure nearly kills him, Sebastian is forced to stay invisible for days…and weeks…and he…

Well, I’m sure you can see where this is going. The only place it can go, really. H.G. Wells made “invisibility drives people insane,” the premiere SF law that it is today. If they aren’t insane to begin with, being see-through sure takes care of that, and while Sebastian Caine may be many things, “stable” is certainly not one of them.

That’s the whole point of the movie: its the old Ring of Gyges again. Power in the wrong hands can be a really bad thing…and who among us fragile, fallible human beings has the right pair of hands for a power such as this? The film makes sure we know Sebastian right off for the flamboyant, cocky, don’t-you-just-want-to-punch-him bastard he is. Being invisible only reinforces these tendencies of personality. And while it might’ve been nice to see a bit of simple human decency from our Mr. Caine, at least he’s a consistent bastard all the way through.  Had Sebastian started out as aw-shucks kinda guy and then gone psycho I would’ve been particularly pissed. Absolute power doesn’t corrupt unless those worms Pink Floyd talked about have already eaten your soul away…and we all know they’ve taken Sebastian’s. After all, look at the damn title: it’s right there, smacking us upside the face. He’s a hollow man, see. There’s nothing in him but bastard.

No, the fact that invisibility turns Sebastian into a raving loony is fine and dandy. What I object to is what happens after he turns into a raving loony. So you have an invisible man, right? What do you do with him? Over the years I have never seen a more contrived answer than the one this movie presents.

I’m going to give most of the ending away, but fuck it. So Sebastian eventually comes to terms with himself as the Invisible Man through the healing power of megalomania. To this end, he lives out what Paul Verhoeven believes to be the logical conclusion of all those fantasies I mentioned a few paragraphs back, doing unsavory (off-screen) things to his neighbor (the hot babe). Sebastian then spies Linda and Matt making the Beast With Two Backs. This drives Sebastian through the dead end of Sexual Homicide Avenue, right into that broad thoroughfare of Revenge Killing Street. Figuring the only way to be an Invisible Man in a visible world is to kill everyone who knows his dirty little secret, Sebastian murders the Army CO in charge of Project Invisible, and traps his research team in the project’s underground lair.

So. We’ve got five people trapped in a secluded area, stalked by a superpowered mad man who proceeds to knock them off one by one in various unsavory ways. During this sequence, our group of supposedly-intelligent scientists separates five times, tries various means to kill their superpower assailant, and generally regress to the level of blithering idiots. In other words, for the last thirty minutes, Hollow Man morphs into the most expensive slasher movie in history.

Which is not to say Hollow Man it’s all bad. In fact, up until the aforementioned last thirty minutes, I was rather enjoying myself. It’s that enjoyment which really makes the aforementioned last thirty minutes sting. For starters, Kevin Bacon is the consummate cocky bastard. Is charismatic cocky bastard too strong a term? If so, who cares? Fact is: I almost got to like Sebastian Caine. He seemed like an okay guy, as cocky bastard Scientists go, and his turn toward Evil Town feels like the last desperate act of a screenwriter who panicked and took the off-ramp after realizing he might barrel straight into Interesting Charactersville.

For example, Elizabeth Shue is certainly easy on the eyes, but her character isn’t what I’d call deep…just look at her. Actually, that’s no excuse. But here’s one: her character (along with the rest of Sebastian’s research team) is grossly underwritten. Her past with Sebastard is only barely sketched out, and I’m wondering what she could’ve ever seen in the guy. How, in fact, does anyone put up with his unrepentantly dickish behavior? If the characters weren’t so one note, I might be able to answer some of these questions. But it writers Andrew Marlowe and Gary Scott Thompson sent their creative energy. Bet you didn’t know they had any, but…well, it’s a lot like Kevin Bacon…you can’t see it, but it’s there. Ba-dum-tish.

"Does this mask make my lips look fat?"Not surprisingly, the best thing about this movie is its visuals, and sue me to the poor house but I’ve always enjoyed the work of  Paul Verhoven. I worship Robocop, Total Recall is my idea of a good time, and hell, even Showgirls has boobies. With all that, I expected a bit more from Paul than few CGI shots of Kevin Bacon’s skin disappearing.

Let’s be honest with ourselves: these are the best Invisible Man effects to date. They’re great stuff. But they can’t carry the picture. And Tall Paul can’t really turn this into the Slasher move he so desperately wants it to be. It just lacks a certain something…what’s that called? Oh, righ. It’s called originality. Man, where is my head, eh? Yes, that originality thing. It’s almost as annoying as that plot thing, in that people keep demanding it in their movies. If we’d just shut up about it, Hollywood could keep turning out its cookie-cutter retreads in peace.

Hollow Man is this close to being good. Hell, as it stands, the movie’s almost decent. Great special effects and a decent cast. But instead of trying something new, Hollow Man circles the same drain most of the SF genre seems rearing to dive down. Future directors, take heed: once you have your invisible man, do whatever you want with him…just don’t make him chase Final Girl’s down. Spoiler Alert: he’ll loose. Every time.

GG

Masters of the Universe (1987)

He's just thinking about kicking Jean-Claude Van Damme's ass.You remember He-Man, right? Of course you do. If you were anywhere between the ages of 3-14 during the 80s then you couldn’t spit without hitting (buy) He-Man (stuff). That steroid driven bastard was everywhere. You could find He-Man in toy stores, on TV, on T-shirts. Lunchboxes. Shorts. Shoes. Socks. Underwear. I even remember my cousin had a talking He-Man toothbrush holder. I can still hear its creepy, mechanical voice to this day. “I’m He-Man! I’m strong as can be! And I brush my teeth! With reg-u-larity!” {More}

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000)

A monument to our civilization.Far-Right Fellow Traveler Michael Medved, a radio host and former PBS movie critic, famously declared Ed Wood’s Plan 9 From Outer Space the “worst” movie ever made. This, to the best of my knowledge, is the only true statement Medved’s made since falling into the clutches of now-Vice President Dick Cheney, back in the late-70s when Cheney was mere Chief of Staff to President Ford. Hopefully Battlefield: Earth’s mind-numbing atrociousness will send the insidious alien symbiote posing as Medved’s mustache into some form of toxic shock, finally freeing the poor man’s mind. He’ll stop writing stupid books about the “War on Traditional Values.” Because if he doesn’t, I might just have to declare a few nonsensical wars of my own…

How about a War on Scientology? Like any good disease, L. Ron Hubbard’s pseudo-religion dissevers to be eradicated with a full frontal assault, complete with Concerned Parent Groups and hearings before Senate Committees. Only this can prevent another Battlefield: Earth from polluting the planet’s imagination.

Sometimes I do things that most people, normal people, would consider deliriously stupid. Stupidity so grand that, if any of my friends were to witness it, I’d full expect them to look at me sideways and shout, “What the fuck are you doing?” {More}

Universal Soldier (1992)

Duh...When the wretched idiocies and injustices of modern life pile upon you, don’t go on a killing spree: find a suitable target for your aggression. Something that can’t defend itself. Something that can’t fight back. Something that doesn’t break as easily as, say, puppies or children. Me, I review movies. The ultimate target. Nothing gets your ego big and hard like taking a shameless hack’s hatchet to something hundreds of other people poured their hearts and souls into.

Tonight’s example: Universal Soldier. You all remember this movie…don’t you…? Good. Neither did I. Universal Soldier is like the freeloading uncle no one talks about, since that time he tried to clean out the bank accounts. It may be the film most directly responsible for Roland Emmerich’s continued career. Yet no one shows this flick on cable anymore. The networks refuse to touch it. Crummy, straight-to-video sequels have failed to revive it and all of its stars have fallen…some harder than others.

To understand why, consider the prologue set in Vietnam. Private Luc (Jean-Claude Van Damme) takes time out from dodging mortars to encounter Sergeant Andrew Scott (Dolph Lundgren), who’s gone all Heart of Darkness on us. Even made himself a necklace of human ears to bring that out psychopathic shine in his Dolph Lundgren-y eyes. Luc, upright, moral, all-American that he is, steps between Scott and the few surviving villagers. Scott and Luc kill each other in a true blue Good vs. Evil blood bath, and along comes The Military to cover it all up. Naturally. Another Tuesday in Vietnam in the seventies. {More}

Stargate (1994)

Pretty...If you have Showtime, you know the basics of Stargate. But just in case you don’t…After a brief prologue set in 8,000 B.c., we open in 1928. A team of archeologists working in Egypt uncover huge burial stones, ornately-carved with untranslatable hieroglyphs. And under the stones, they find something even more ornate and interesting…

Fast forwarding to the ’90s, we meet Dr. Daniel Jackson (James Spader), who holds a few…unpopular theories regarding the Great Pyramid of Giza, mostly concerning how the Pharaohs of the fourth dynasty did not and could not possibly have built it. This thesis is bold enough to win Dr. Jackson the ostracism of his peers. Want to meet a close-minded person? Talk to a scientist. Thankfully, before he’s tossed into the rainy, New York streets, Dr. Jackson gets a super-secret job offer from the Air Force: fly out to NORAD and translate a bunch of untranslatable hieroglyphs someone apparently carved into a gigantic, 10,000 year-old burial stone, discovered in Egypt back in the 20s. {More}

Komodo (1999)

''Now,  where is that damned remote?''If there’s a tag-line less appealing than “from writer of Anaconda,” it would have to be “from the writer of Batman and Robin.” But we’ll talk about Lost in Space later. This right here is Komodo, which not only boasts the writers of Anaconda, Hans Bauer and Craig Mitchell, but Michael Lantieri, one of Jurassic Park‘s many, many special effects designers. My theory: the producers hired Lantieri out of some last ditch effort to balance out the lukewarmth of Bauer’s and Mitchell’s script. Or perhaps I overanalyize. Perhaps it was as simple as finding Lantieri in a gutter somewhere, clutching his Oscar. “Hey, buddy, wanna job?” “Sure, man. You pay in cash or weed?”

I kid, Mike. I do. I love the stuff you did in JP. And I love the fact that you conned Phil Tippett (who’s far from extinct) into helping out on this little piece of crap. Without the smooth-as-silk CGI lizards, Komodo would be absolutely unbearable. As it is, Komodo won’t cause cancer in lab rats, but human subjects should beware of the early stages of narcolepsy, which set in sometime around the end of our prologue. {More}

Willard (1971)

For some reason I can’t possibly fathom, people hate rats. I mean, sure, they spread the Black Plague through Europe casing a famine that wiped out thirty millions people over the course of several centuries, but come on! Were those peasants really all that important to history? I ask you…Never had a problem with rats myself. Not as long as they’re relatively clean. (Those big brown ones that crawl around in industrial waste can just stay the hell away from me, thank you very much.) Thankfully, rats in today’s movie are some of the cleanest vermin I’ve ever seen.

Willard centers around a boy named (did you guess?) Willard (Bruce “Senator Kelly” Davison in his second feature role). Willard is, in technical, psychological terminology, about ready to fucking snap. Willard’s Evil Boss, Mr. Martin (Ernest Borgnine) stole the shipping company Willard works for from Willard’s father…somehow. Consequently, he hates the Willard with a passion. Also, Willard’s mother (Elsa Lanchester) is a dotting leech who (gladly) dies before the halfway mark. {More}

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

If I may paraphrase a respected Movie Scientist: Ed Wood is a warning. A warning to all of us. When mankind falls into conflict with reality, monstrous films are born. Shambling, pitiful things that beg to be put down harder than Seth Brundle. Wood is also one of the strangest celebrities of the twentieth century. Ignored in his own time, he became famous for the worst reasons two years after his death. In 1980, the right-wing fellow traveler and PBS movie critic Michael Medved named him the Worst Director of All Time, and awarded tonight’s picture the undeserved title of Worst Film Ever Made.

Wood’s generation was one of the first to grow up with the movies. An encounter with Bela Lugosi’s Dracula at age seven permanently warped the Poughkeepsie store clerk’s son, who had a movie camera in hand by the time he left high school. The War put Eddy’s dreams of being the next Orson Welles on hold for four years, but by the end of his life he’d amassed the kind of resume that would shame other, better directors. Even now, at the height of his fame, only a bare handful of his films command any kind of notoriety. Plan 9 has managed the hat trick of surpassing even its siblings and achieving a twisted sort of popularity, something Wood might even enjoy today, wherever he is. With Bela, surely. {More}

Carnosaur (1993)

Do we really need to go over just how much this movie rips off Jurassic Park? No? Okay, good.

Saying that Roger Corman makes his pay check on the backs and creativity of others is stupidly redundant. Redundant like saying, “Armageddon sucks!” Unfortunately, whenever Corman steals a concept he always runs with it beyond the borders of sanity and good taste, all the way into that Other World. Corman World.

Oh, ’tis a vile, evil place, where malformed monsters writhe and seethe in ever lasting flames that burn, but do not consume. This is a land where Humanoids from the Deep is considered a good film. A good feminist film, in fact. And It Conqured the World replaces Citizen Kane. Continue reading Carnosaur (1993)