Wednesday night, police discovered a twenty-three year “transient” slumped in his car, dead, outside a Wellington, New Zealand theater screening of Eclipse, the latest film installment in the unfortunately-popular Twilight series.

To paraphrase my favorite Quaid, I’ve been saying it for years. (Ain’t I been sayin’ it, Miguel?) Twilight is undeniable blueprint for murder, more potent and viable than all the “violent” video games I’ve ever played in my life put together.

The official cause of death is yet to be determined at press time…but I think we could hazard a few guesses. I’m living proof that puzzling over Twilight series continued success can inspired more than one bout of suicidal depression. Frankly, its nice to know I’m not alone. So I’d like to salute you, anonymous transient man, and let the whole world know that your death was not in vain.

(h/t Jezebel and the NZ Herald, with preemptive apologies to all those actually involved in this tragic loss of life).